


Maybe This Time

by lazarus



Category: Free!
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Post episode 10, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:06:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2281203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazarus/pseuds/lazarus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was too late for a swimming career, but maybe it still wasn't too late for him and Rin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe This Time

**Author's Note:**

> I just told myself, "I haven't written a fic in awhile so maybe I'll ease myself into it by writing a short one since I'm feeling a little bit inspired" .... three nights with barely any sleep in between, and 14 thousand words later, this was born. I amaze myself sometimes. 
> 
> To be honest, I didn't do any actual research for Sousuke's shoulder injury or the surgery procedure, so I apologize in advance for any inaccuracies that are present. I just wanted a story that focused mostly on Rin and Sousuke's relationship, so expect lots of disgusting fluff ahead. 
> 
> Title was inspired by a song by David Pomeranz (although if you want to listen to it I recommend listening to the one by Sarah Geronimo instead). Enjoy!

 

Sousuke notices the changes afterward. The way Rin looks at him, for one. Sousuke doesn’t say a thing even though he’s aware of the way Rin’s eyes follow his every move, watching him change into some dry clothes now that the relay is over; taking in every motion like everything Sousuke does is different now. Sousuke supposes he should have expected as much. He can’t keep a secret as glaringly obvious as the angry redness on his shoulder and not expect Rin to react any differently.

To his credit, Rin doesn’t do or say anything about it. Not during their bus ride back to Samezuka, not during the long, extensive lecture they receive from the teachers and the coaches—for keeping an injury of this magnitude quiet and for this long, and Matsuoka-kun, you’re their captain, what were you thinking letting him swim in the tournament? Which Rin all takes rather gracefully even though it’s Sousuke who should be apologizing—and certainly not during the meeting they have with the rest of their teammates, who keep side-glancing at Sousuke and then at Rin, as if expecting an explanation of some sort. When everyone’s been dismissed, Rin gives Sousuke a look—a clear indication for Sousuke to follow—and promptly marches back to the dorms with Sousuke lingering behind him.

He can tell from the way Rin’s shoulder are tightly drawn together that he’s been wound too tight, from both the stress of the day and after, so as soon as they reach the quiet vacancy of their room, Sousuke is already holding up his hands in surrender.

“I know what you’re going to say,” he says as Rin opens his mouth. “And you’re right, okay? You’re right. I’m sorry I kept this from you. I’m sorry I made you worry, I’m sorry I lied—“ He looks down at his hands which have fallen to his side and are clenching tightly together. He tries to loosen them. “I know I have a lot to apologize for. And I know it was asking a lot of you to let me swim in the relay and that you took responsibility for my actions, but I still—“

Rin makes a strangled sound then, like he’s at his limit already, and then he’s back in Sousuke’s personal space again, gripping the edges of his sweater like a lifeline.

“That’s not what I—you think I’m here to yell at you?” he says.

“You should,” says Sousuke.

“Well, I don’t feel like it right now,” Rin says, sounding petulant and childish that it makes Sousuke chuckle. Rin relaxes a little at the sound, if not just a little, but his eyes and his face look determined, as if he’d just made up his mind about something. “Tomorrow we’re going to the hospital first thing in the morning.”

“Okay,” says Sousuke. He won’t put up a fight, not anymore. Two years of resistance has made him not only physically tired, but emotionally and mentally drained as well. He’s destroyed his shoulder enough for his dream, it was time to start looking after himself. And, just realizing something, he says, “We?”

Rin scowls and crosses his arms as if Sousuke is being particularly slow today. “Yes, _I’m_ going with you,” he says, like it’s obvious. Sousuke wants to say he doesn’t have to, that he’s put Rin through enough, but Rin’s glaring at him in a way that says he won’t take no for an answer.

“Captain’s orders,” says Rin as if that settles the matter and it makes Sousuke smile something soft, a warmth uncurling in his chest that only Rin could bring despite the exhaustion and the pain.

“Alright,” says Sousuke, but startles a little when Rin reaches out to take his hand.

“C’mon, we should go to bed—you must be exhausted,” Rin says, not exactly making eye contact with Sousuke as he tugs him along, but Sousuke can see that his ears are turning red. He doesn’t tell Rin that he finds the sight adorable and lets Rin walk him over to their bed. “You can take the bottom bunk if you want. I’ll sleep up top for a while.”

Sousuke is touched that Rin would give up his bed just for him. “You don’t have to go out of your way to make me feel comfortable,” he says, trying to express his gratitude while at the same time keeping firm. He doesn’t want Rin to treat him any different from before. Telling Rin the truth had been inevitable—difficult but inevitable, and _necessary_. The last thing he wants is for Rin to treat Sousuke like he’s delicate, like he’s someone Rin _needs_ to take care of when he has more important things he should be focusing on.

Rin rolls his eyes. “You’re being an idiot again,” he says, pushing Sousuke down until he’s seated on the mattress and Rin’s leaning over him as if he’s just another rowdy kouhai who needs a firm lecturing. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Rin has enough things on his plate right now, I don’t want to be a burden, he doesn’t need to take care of me on top of everything else’,” he mimics in a deep, grumpy voice, which Sousuke supposes is meant to sound like him. “Che. Well cut it out.”

Rin leans in closer so that they’re face to face, noses almost touching.

“I’m not doing this out of obligation or pity, and I’ve never, once, thought of you as a burden. I’m doing this because I _want_ to, so you can quit the whole martyr act because it’s getting annoying.” The last part is said with Rin’s patent scowl. “Take the damn bed.”

Because Sousuke is still mildly bewildered at the whole outburst, he simply says, “Okay.” But what he doesn’t expect is for him to reach out to tug at Rin’s wrist and say, “But only if you join me.”

Now that gets a reaction on both ends. Startled surprise and the slow, inevitable comprehension of what Sousuke just said. Sousuke can feel his face heating up at the same time Rin’s cheeks turn as red as his hair, and it’s now they both realize just how close they are and instantly pull apart. There’s an awkward pause after that with Sousuke staring at his feet and Rin shuffling about in front of him.

Sousuke breaks the silence first. “Sorry,” he mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck. He’s about to tell Rin to forget about it when Rin, to both their astonishment, says, “Alright.”

“What?” Sousuke stares; Rin is definitely creating a new shade of red for how deep he’s blushing. 

“I said alright,” he says, trying to play it off with a half-hearted shrug, like it’s no big deal.

It is a big deal. At least for Sousuke, who hasn’t shared a bed with Rin since they were both still in middle school and he had fallen asleep on Rin’s bed after a long night of playing video games. Even then he could never explain the way he felt upon waking up and finding Rin pressed close, his head pillowed on Sousuke’s arm while they shared the same pillow and breathed the same air. His arm had gotten numb but he’d been loathed to move and let Rin continue sleeping. Five years was a long time for Sousuke to know contentment when he felt it and contentment is far from what he’s feeling right now.

They both change in silence, but Sousuke is having difficulty with his t-shirt. His shoulder burns every time he so much as lifts it. The school had made him wear a shoulder support in the meantime. He knows it’s a small comfort until he heads to the hospital tomorrow morning, but it’s still a hassle to wear underneath his clothes.

“Here, let me,” says Rin who comes up behind him and helps him tug his shirt off. It takes some maneuvering, but Rin is gentle about it, slipping off Sousuke’s shirt in the least painful way he can manage. “Sorry,” he adds when he finally pulls the shirt off Sousuke’s head and catches the barely concealed cringe that Sousuke makes. 

“Thanks,” says Sousuke, dismissing the apology entirely. There’s nothing to apologize for and he’s determined for Rin not to start now, but Rin’s eyes are already fixed on Sousuke’s shoulder, staring at it with open sadness.

“I wished you’d told me sooner,” he says.

“It wouldn’t have changed a thing,” says Sousuke quietly.

“I know, but I still wished you’d told me.” There’s nothing Sousuke can say to that. Rin’s not looking for an apology either. Sousuke’s already made them. But the firm line of Rin’s jaw tells Sousuke he _is_ looking for something else, something important. “Don’t lie to me again. Don’t keep things from me. Just… just tell me and we’ll try to figure it out.”

Sousuke likes how confident Rin is, turning a potential question into a statement, as if he’s positive about Sousuke’s placement in his life.

“I promise,” Sousuke says, and it sounds like something definite.

“Good,” says Rin, sniffling a little. 

“Hey, there’s no need to cry,” Sousuke says gently, instinctively reaching out to wipe the first signs of tears in Rin’s eyes, feeling a kind of thrill at the sight of Rin leaning in to his touch.

“I’m not crying,” Rin mumbles against his hand, mostly out of habit than anything else.

“I don’t regret anything,” he says. Rin’s eyebrows furrow, as if he can’t accept Sousuke’s decision somehow. But it’s late and not the time to be having this conversation. He sighs and nods.

“Here, let me get you a clean shirt,” he says, turning around to pick one from Sousuke’s drawers.

As soon as Sousuke’s changed, finally in a plain white shirt and flannel bottoms, there’s a brief moment where they both stare at the bottom bunk like they aren’t sure what they should be doing. The nervousness Sousuke had felt earlier comes back with a vengeance. He’s never been one to be nervous about anything, but the idea of sharing a bed with Rin has him feeling giddy.  

Luckily Rin takes matter into his own hands and swiftly climbs on the bed, shifting to the side closest to the wall. Sousuke takes his cue to lay down next to him, albeit a little stiffly, however his shoulder seems to sigh in relief as soon as it hits the mattress. He wants to leave as much space as he can for it to feel comfortable between them, but there’s only so much space to be had when the bunk was only meant to accommodate one person, and one of them being larger than the average seventeen-year-old male. It’s a small squeeze but somehow they manage: with Rin facing the wall and Sousuke facing the other, their backs brushing lightly against each other.

“Goodnight,” says Rin, casually kicking Sousuke’s feet with his own.

Sousuke smiles into his pillow. “Goodnight.”

He closes his eyes and is lulled to sleep by the warmth of Rin’s presence.

 

000

 

The following morning goes by in a rush.

Rin makes sure they get up early to head to the hospital, so Sousuke doesn’t even have time to maul over the potential awkwardness of waking up together. It’s not that it was unpleasant or uncomfortable—the complete opposite actually. Waking up next to Rin felt way too nice and way too right for Sousuke’s sleep-addled brain to handle at the present moment. If he was being honest with himself, Sousuke kind of wished he _did_ have a minute or two to bask in it before Rin was nudging him gently to get up. The other part of him was relieved for the day’s distractions because he’s not quite sure he’s ready to put a name to what that means just yet.

The hospital appointment goes as expected. The doctors explain the damage done to his shoulder at great length, what’s to be done now—surgery and rehabilitation—and the heavy confirmation that Sousuke will never be able to enter another swimming competition ever again. It’s something Sousuke has already made peace with, but it still stings having it confirmed for him. He takes it gracefully, of course, with only a hint of bittersweet regret, but Rin is the one standing beside himself, clenching his fists together and looking like the ground is crumbling beneath his feet.

Sousuke’s not sure when he reaches out to take Rin’s hand in his own, but he feels Rin responding instantly, fingers intertwining with his, squeezing tightly as if trying to keep Sousuke anchored to him.

However, there is promising news. While Sousuke’s swimming days are over, the doctors assure them the surgery and therapy will help Sousuke’s shoulder back to normal. Not precisely the way it was before, but enough for him to be efficient on his own again, to move around without the assist of other people and certainly without the constant pain. He could even swim again eventually, just not competitively.

The school had already contacted Sousuke’s parents the night before and were predictably both upset and disappointed that Sousuke had kept swimming in secret despite their better wishes. They had been present for the entirety of the doctors’ speech, faces looking grimmer at each detailed explanation. As soon as the doctors had left the room, Sousuke was treated to another long lecture from both sides. His mother fretting endlessly over his injury and his father insisting Sousuke should have quit swimming a long time ago—a old argument made new at the present damage. Sousuke had done no more than stand there and accept their reprimands and concerns, feeling guilty and remorseful, all the while Rin kept beside him, holding onto his hand like a reminder that he was still there.

“It’s as much my fault as it is his,” Rin says, finally speaking up. “I’m the Captain. It’s my job to know when something is wrong. So if you want to yell at me too, I will take full responsibility.” He bows his head low. 

“Rin, no,” Sousuke says instantly, feeling wrecked that Rin was going to take the fall for him again, but Rin refuses to let up even at Sousuke’s insistence.

“Rin-kun, it’s fine,” says Sousuke’s mother, sounding gentle but tired. “We don’t blame you at all and we shouldn’t be blaming Sousuke either. We’re not happy, of course, but what’s passed is past.” She gives both of them a smile. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I am sorry—if I wasn’t such an idiot—“ Sousuke begins, but Rin’s fingers squeeze at his hand, telling him to stop.

Sousuke’s father sighs but gives Rin a weary smile as well. “We’re more than grateful to you for always looking after our son,” he says as Rin splutters and blushes in embarrassment. It makes Sousuke smile despite his own embarrassment.  “But I expect no more of this,” he explains, addressing Sousuke again, reaching out to touch Sousuke’s other shoulder—a little more gently than his expression suggests. “No more swimming until you’re better, is that clear?”

Sousuke stands up a little straighter. “Yes, sir.”

Satisfied with his answer, Sousuke’s father excuses himself to see to next course of action with the doctors.  Sousuke’s mother touches his cheek, smoothing his hair from his forehead. “We can have lunch later if you two have nothing to do,” she says.

“That sounds nice, right Rin?” says Sousuke, looking at Rin beside him.

“Yeah, thank you, I’ll be in your care for a while longer,” he says.

“Oh hush now,” his mother chides with a laugh. “You know you’re always welcome with us, Rin-kun. I haven’t seen you in so long.” Rin gives her his thanks again, looking sheepish. “I’ll go check on your father,” she says, patting Sousuke’s cheek and giving him a sly look that makes him very much aware that he’s still holding onto Rin’s hand.

As soon as the doors slide shut, Sousuke sinks back down on the adjacent chair and sighs loudly, eyes closed and face drawn to the floor.

“That… went better than I expected,” says Rin, coming to stand in front of him, making Sousuke chuckle.

“No kidding,” he says, leaning back against his seat and giving Rin a tired smile. “Thanks.”

The sides of their knees bump against each other. “What for?”

Sousuke would shrug if he could, but the gesture is a little too nonchalant for how he actually he feels right now, and right now he can’t put how he feels into words. He’s never been good at them anyway.

“Come here,” he murmurs, pulling Rin against him like it’s natural, like he’s been doing it for ages. Rin lets him, lets Sousuke wrap his arms around his waist and bury his face against the material of Rin’s shirt. Rin tangles his fingers into Sousuke’s hair to hold him close, all in one motion as if this was natural too. Sousuke should be afraid of how much it actually is, but all he feels is safety and _contentment_ , that familiar warmth in his chest unfurling the way it always does wherever Rin’s concerned.   

“So what now?” he says, looking up at Rin, but not letting go.

“Now, we’ll just keep moving forward,” says Rin, touching Sousuke’s cheek and the strands of hair beside his ears. “Together.”

Sousuke marvels at that word: together, like he’s hearing the meaning for the first time; marvels at the easy way Rin says it as if he knows it’s true. We, we, we. Sousuke’s been carrying this alone for five years and Rin’s finally telling him he doesn’t have to. Sousuke really likes the sound of that.

“Together,” he agrees and when Rin squeezes him again, he knows he’s found the right answer.

 

000

 

Sousuke’s routine changes, but not as drastically as he’d been expecting.

He formally resigns from the swim club, but is nominated as a manager, much to Sousuke’s surprise. Rin insists that the underclassmen can still learn from him even if he isn’t part of the roster. Nitori had automatically agreed, telling Sousuke that there was still so much he’d like Sousuke to teach him and that it was all thanks to him that he had improved so much. Sousuke had wanted to argue, had wanted to tell Nitori that he had only improved because of his own hard work and dedication and nothing anything Sousuke had done, but by then Momotarou had inserted himself into their conversation and started begging—in that loud, bubbly way of his that made Sousuke feel instantly tired—for a chance to train him as well.

Luckily Rin had taken Momotarou off Sousuke’s back and pushed him to start practicing.

“Just because you can’t swim for the time being, it doesn’t mean you can’t be here,” Rin says stubbornly when they’re standing side by side, watching the first and second years do laps along the pool. “I still need you here.”

 _With me_ , he doesn’t have to say.

Sousuke nudges their shoulders together. “Okay, then I’ll be here,” he says, just soft and loud enough for Rin to hear, loving the way Rin responds by leaning even closer. 

His surgery is scheduled the following weekend, but Sousuke still has to make a couple trips to the hospital for his shoulder therapy. He knows after the surgery his appointments will be longer and more frequent. It’s as if everything that has occurred in the past week has finally settled into place, the loom of uncharted territory feels less surreal and more tangible now that it’s actually happening.

And then there’s school to worry about, university applications and graduation to consider. Sousuke’s still not sure what he’s going to do about the latter. He’s always been so certain about swimming, getting scouted, going pro… that he’s never considered any other alternative. It was either destroy his shoulder achieving that dream or nothing else. He realizes now how stupid that had been.

He can’t allow himself to regret it now, or wallow in it. He has no choice but to keep his head up and keep moving forward.

Things between him and Rin have changed too, although it was simulatenously gradual and abrupt, and something Sousuke is still too intimidated (or too much in denial) to properly put a name to. But he knows things aren’t the same as they were a week ago.

For one, Rin comes along to every appointment despite Sousuke’s objections. Finals is just another week away and he knows Rin can’t afford to waste any more time.

“I can practice when we get back,” Rin would say, and Sousuke would hate how little of a fuss he puts up now when before, he would have insisted Rin stay behind, maybe even put up an actual fight he could have won.

“But Finals—” he’d try again, only to be cut off by Rin, who, at this point, would have reached out to take hold of his hand or cup Sousuke’s face, further nulling all other disputes because Sousuke was _weak_ , so weak to Rin’s presence and his touch.  

“Can wait,” he’d insist staring directly into Sousuke’s eyes. “For once, will you stop worrying about me and let me do this for you? I want to be here, okay?” And that would be that.

But that’s another thing that’s changed about them. The touching. It’s a near constant thing now. Holding hands was just the start. It rapidly morphed into many other forms of physical closeness and affection, and sometimes, Sousuke isn’t aware they’re even doing it for how normal it’s gotten. Rin could brush Sousuke’s hair back without a single thought, take his hand while they walk together back to their dorm and Sousuke wouldn’t think much of it other how wonderful it makes him feel.

He’s also beginning to realize just how many times a day he comes up behind Rin, wraps a casual arm around his waist while the other boy reads something or other, distracted, prop his chin on Rin’s shoulder and have Rin, unconsciously, lean back into him. It’s terrifying and thrilling how, in a span of a week, how much Sousuke actually _craves_ these little touches.

And they’re still sleeping together. No one else knows about their sleeping arrangement and Sousuke kind of likes it that way. It’s like their own thing, their own space that’s warm and intimate. Truthfully, he’s not exactly sure how they’d gone from sleeping side by side with hardly a breadth between them to suddenly being completely neglectful of the space they were so mindful of at the beginning.

Now, when they go to bed, Rin is the first to slide right in. None of the previous shyness from before; just slow, methodic movements, giving just the right amount of space for Sousuke to settle in right after. Sousuke, who always needs a minute or two to get comfortable before Rin is snuggling against him, tucked right at his side with his cheek pressed against his chest, where he can hear the steady cadence of Sousuke’s heart beating. He claims it’s soothing and reassuring to hear, and well, it’s not as if Sousuke isn’t getting anything out of this position either, so he just buries his nose into Rin’s hair and waits for sleep to take him.

Sleeping with Rin has become something of a routine as well, one that Sousuke has been slowly growing used to, maybe even a little addicted.   

Rin never lets himself stay in that position for very long. Not simply out of concern for Sousuke’s shoulder—even though Sousuke insists he doesn’t mind—but because Rin is naturally fidgety in bed. He’s constantly changing positions, turning on his side and his back, and that one time Sousuke had woken up to Rin laying directly on top of him. He’d been horrified about it even when Sousuke had tried to tell him that it was okay.

“I thought it was kind of adorable,” Sousuke admitted, teasingly, but Rin hadn’t been in the mood for jokes and looked even _more_ upset by it.

“What if I had hurt your shoulder though?” he had said, anxiously. “Maybe I should just sleep on the top bunk.”

Sousuke abruptly felt his mouth clamp shut and something cold had sank to the bottom of his stomach. He couldn’t express just how utterly wrong it’d be for Rin to forcefully remove himself from his place on Sousuke’s bed, but that would be wrong of him. He didn’t want to force Rin to do anything. Even if Sousuke hadn’t exactly _minded_ , if this was what Rin wanted then Sousuke just needed to accept that.

“Alright, if you think it’d be best,” he had said, the words feeling strange and heavy on his tongue, as though he was listening to somebody else say them. 

For the first time that week, Sousuke had felt cold in his bunk, restless even. He was wide awake for almost the rest of the night, his shoulder aching something fierce, as if the presence of Rin had been the only thing keeping the pain away. It was obvious he’d gotten too comfortable sleeping next to Rin, so much that he physically couldn’t sleep without him anymore. It was somewhat pathetic.

All throughout the night, he would stare at the top of his bunk and try to listen for Rin’s breathing and hoped—rather selfishly—that Rin was having as much difficulty falling asleep as he was.

The following morning didn’t help things either because Sousuke woke up stiff and sore, and Rin didn’t so much as look at him or lay a hand on him, as if he was still afraid of hurting him.

Needless to say it had put Sousuke in a foul mood for the entire day; he wasn’t sure if it showed on his face, but people were more wary around him, less inclined to start conversation. Even Rin looked rather bad-tempered during practice, although he still didn’t touch Sousuke and kept a considerable distance from him, much to Sousuke’s dismay. If the underclassmen had noticed a slight shift in their behaviors, they wisely didn’t comment on it, not even Momotarou, whose self-preservation was much lower than others.

By the time practice was over, Sousuke had already reached his limit. He had a nagging headache from his lack of sleep and the pain on his shoulder flared with renewed intensity. He didn’t wait for Rin to get showered and changed, like he usually did, and left early, choosing to ignore Nitori’s whispered “it must be a domestic” at his retreat.

This was not going to last, not if Sousuke was going to say anything about it. By the time Rin had returned to the dorms, it was already past curfew. Sousuke had waited an extra _hour_ for Rin to show up, and wondered, as the clock started edging closer to 11, if Rin would be even coming back at all.

Rin had frozen at the doorway. Obviously, he had expected Sousuke to wait up for him, but he looked like he’d been hoping he hadn’t. Sousuke felt a stab of hurt more painful than the throbbing on his shoulder, but he had to face this. This wasn’t like a shoulder injury he could let himself neglect and ignore—not again. He’d learned from firsthand experience what that could do and he’d be hard-pressed to let something irreparable like that take place between him and Rin.

“Come back, please,” he said, his voice coming out a little rough from the disuse. Or maybe it was the quiet desperation, he was no longer sure. “I still need you here.”

 _With me_ , he doesn’t have to say. 

And then Rin’s walls had crumbled, just like that, and in two short strides he’d crossed the room to where Sousuke was already reaching out for him, climbing onto Sousuke’s lap while they both clung to each other fiercely, as if one whole day without physical contact had been a day too long.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Rin said, already crying, arms circling around Sousuke’s neck in a vice grip that would not be advisable if had hopes of breathing, but Sousuke was holding onto him just as tightly, his face buried into the juncture of Rin’s collarbone and his hands spread at the small of Rin’s back like he couldn’t get Rin close enough. “I’m sorry,” he said again and Sousuke finally allowed himself to breathe.

They had tumbled back to bed in a mess of tangled arms and legs with Rin pressing soft butterfly kisses along Sousuke’s shoulder and Sousuke sighing in relief. 

There are still mishaps, but they learn to adapt and to adjust.

That’s just the way it is.

 

000

 

It was only a matter of time before Gou demanded to see them.

Between classes and therapy—and the surgery just a few days away, Sousuke was ready for a break. Rin’s been working hard as well, training harder than ever. Sousuke marvels at how Rin can possibly keep up with his rigorous training schedule, maintain his grades _and_ still have time to come with Sousuke to all of his appointments.  He’s amazed but not surprised. It’s Rin after all.

However, the evidence clearly shows during the nights Rin collapses against him in bed, barely uttering a goodnight and a light peck on Sousuke’s collarbone before he’s out like a light, snoring heavily on Sousuke’s shoulder. So when Gou suggests a get-together, Rin is all too eager to agree.

There’s no practice that day, so right after class they take the earliest train and head straight for Rin’s place. Sousuke hasn’t been to the Matsuoka residence in so long, but he remembers coming there often as a kid. Not a lot has changed about the place even right down to the nameplate at the gate. It’s exactly as Sousuke remembered it, although that doesn’t explain why he suddenly feels so nervous.

He receives a warm (and stern) welcome from Gou, who just throws her arms around his middle and begins a buzzing tirade over Sousuke’s injury, of why he hadn't told anybody about this sooner and why he kept it a secret when it was this bad, all while glaring and huffing in that way of hers that reminds Sousuke vaguely of when she was really small.  She ends her lecture with a promise that he better not pull off something like this again, as if Sousuke is just another troublesome brother she has to keep a close eye on, never mind that Sousuke is nearly twice her size and had gotten even taller through the years they hadn’t seen one another. That didn’t make Gou any less intimidating.

“Leave him alone, Gou,” says Rin. Gou turns her pout at him. He rolls his eyes. “He already knows, okay?”

“Sorry, Gou,” Sousuke adds because Rin’s stuck his neck out for him one too many times already and Gou really deserves to hear an apology from him. He offers her a weak smile. “It won’t happen again. I swear.”

Her expression softens at that. “Alright. That’s what I like to hear,” she says, instantly cheerful again. “I was just in the middle of making dinner. We’re having udon tonight.” She gives Sousuke a smile of her own. “It used to be your favorite, right, Sousuke-kun?”

Sousuke feels touched that she had remembered something like that. “It still is,” he says.

She ushers Rin and Sousuke out of the kitchen despite their insistence that they help her out.

“You two relax. You guys look like you had a long week,” Gou says. She already has her trademark hand-at-the-hip pose that Sousuke knows will win no argument on their end.

Rin shrugs and leads Sousuke up the stairs to his room, which is still as spacious and tidy as Sousuke remembers. Rin has always been a minimalist and a neat-freak, keeping his desk orderly and hardly any clutter around. Sousuke inspects some of the medals Rin has won over the years and smiles at some of the pictures Rin has posed in, smile infectiously wide, complete with a victory pose. There are also pictures of Rin’s family, his father included, and right beside them is the picture he’d seen at Iwatobi SC when he’d first arrived here: Rin standing in midst of his friends, his expression the happiest Sousuke’s ever seen it.

Sousuke’s never been prone to jealousy, but he feels it now with maybe just a bit of regret. It’s the same feeling he had felt when Rin had told him he’d be transferring to Iwatobi, that there were people there he wanted to swim with. Of course, back then Sousuke didn’t know what he felt and had let Rin go without saying a thing. Things are different now, Sousuke reminds himself fiercely.

“You’re tense.” Sousuke would have jumped (he’d completely forgotten himself for a second there) if Rin had not moved behind him to wrap his arms around his middle. There’s a peck on Sousuke’s shoulder that grounds Sousuke back to earth again. He’s not even aware his back muscles had tighten up until Rin was holding him. Sousuke let himself relax and lean into Rin’s touch. There’s another kiss on his shoulder as if Rin could somehow read his thoughts (he probably can). “What’s up?”    

Sousuke places his hands where Rin’s are. “I just never thought I’d be here again, with you. It’s a kind of nostalgic,” he says, and it’s the truth. The last time he was here it’d been Christmas and Rin had caught a cold.  

Rin peers over his shoulder to see what he’s looking at and half-smiles. “Yeah, I suppose it is,” he agrees. “But you’re here now,” he says as Sousuke turns around, keeping his arms firmly wrapped around him like he’s trying to keep Sousuke locked into his space. As if Sousuke could possibly want to be anywhere else.

They’re standing so close. It isn’t any different from how they are back in their room, but Sousuke’s never wanted to kiss Rin _more_ than he does right at this moment.  

“Rin,” Sousuke begins, unsure of how to ask or if Rin would even want to, despite all evidence that this thing between them has been mutual since the beginning, maybe even since before then. That nameless word he’d been too afraid to think about has left him feeling _want_. And he so desperately wants to kiss Rin. 

But like everything else, Rin takes this matter into his own hands too. Without letting go, Rin stands at the tip of his toes and closes the distance between them in one fluid motion. It’s just a soft press of his mouth against Sousuke’s before he’s pulling back, searching into Sousuke’s eyes for his reaction.

“Tell me I’m not the only one,” he whispers, showing the first signs of uncertainty, like he’s afraid he might have mistook the signals, but is frantically hoping he hasn’t, that Sousuke wants this just as much as it has always been the other way around.

The only way for Sousuke to answer is by leaning back down and capturing Rin’s mouth for another kiss. The first one had been far too short and sweet for Sousuke to feel even remotely satisfied. Rin’s reaction is instantaneous: there’s a startled gasp and then he’s snaking his arms around Sousuke’s neck, returning the kiss, rather enthusiastically, all the while melting right into Sousuke’s hands like goo. Sousuke feels like goo himself, like he could sink right to the floor at any moment; his knees are starting to go weak.

Sousuke’s senses immediately fix themselves on Rin. The way his lips feel unnaturally soft and pliant beneath his, the way he’d rake his fingers into Sousuke’s hair and brush the short strands at his neck, making him shudder and tug Rin closer. How easy and open he goes when Sousuke asks for more, how he bites on Sousuke’s lower lip when Sousuke does something he likes; how completely _wrecked_ Rin sounds when Sousuke finally slips his tongue in his mouth. He likes the way his name sounds on Rin’s lips when he’s being kissed, how flush and warm Rin’s cheeks are in Sousuke’s hands and how often their noses brush and bump into one another in the haste of having _just one more_ , just one more kiss, and then another and then another.

Sousuke’s not sure how many seconds have gone by or even minutes. He wouldn’t even be surprised or concerned if it turned out to be hours, but a sudden, aborted cough at the door has them springing apart in an instant.

It’s Gou, who’s looking mildly bewildered at the scene in front of her. They’re both breathing heavily, eyes blown wide, lips bruised and red; not to mention she just caught them in the act so even if Sousuke and Rin _can_ give some excuse to their appearances, it’s not like Gou is naïve enough to believe them.  

“Geez, Gou, don’t you know how to knock?” Rin grumbles, who’s turning a bright color red from the face down.

To her credit, Gou simply raises an eyebrow at her brother. “I _did_ knock. _Several_ times in fact,” she says as Rin blushes some more. At least she’s finding the whole thing entertaining. Sousuke, on the other hand, is just hoping the ground will open up and swallow him already.  

“Well what do you want?” Rin says crankily. “We’re busy.”

“I can see that,” says Gou, whose brows have shot passed her hairline.

Before Rin can open his mouth to retaliate, Sousuke is putting his hands on his shoulders. “Hey, c’mon,” he says. “Don’t fight with your sister.”

“I wasn’t going to fight,” Rin protests, making a face at him, but just sighs, not bothering to argue anymore. In a much calmer voice, he asks, “What is it, Gou?” Whether it’s conscious or not, Rin leans back into him ever so slightly. Sousuke is delighted. Gou, at least, has the decency to pretend she doesn’t notice.  

“I just came up to tell you guys that dinner’s ready,” she says, clearly amused. “Sorry to interrupt.”

Sousuke turns his face to the side to avoid looking at her. Rin just pinches the bridge of his nose. “We’ll be down in a second.”

Gou shrugs. “Alright, but if you take too long, Mom will come get you herself,” she chirps and closes the door behind her. Sousuke can hear her humming all the way down the hall.

“I haven’t been to your house in five years, and of course, the first thing that happens is your sister walks in on us making out,” says Sousuke dryly.

“Well… it’s just Gou, she doesn’t really care,” Rin says, turning to face him. He’s smiling, but there’s a touch of worry between his brows. “Does it bother you though? That she knows?”

To assure him, Sousuke is stepping into his space again, pulling Rin into his arms, who easily melts against him. “No,” he says. “I don’t mind. I wished she didn’t have to find out the way she did though. I could have used without the embarrassment.”

Rin groans. “Ditto,” he says, and it’s Sousuke’s turn to laugh. “So,” Rin starts, hesitating for a moment. “Is this… are we…” Referring to their moment before. He looks half-afraid that Sousuke would want to take it all back.

“I want to,” says Sousuke, hoping he doesn’t sound too eager or like he was too quick to answer.

Rin breaks into a smile like the one in the picture, all teeth and infectious happiness. “Me too,” he says and starts to blush again, a lovely color. “I’ve wanted to for a long time,” he admits, causing something to bloom in Sousuke’s chest.  

“So did I,” he says and realizes that it’s the actual truth. “Maybe since always.”

He had once told Kisumi that it wasn’t like that way for him and Rin, but maybe he was the one who was wrong.

Rin laughs, quiet and wonderful, and Sousuke follows that sound with a kiss—soft and sweet, but with enough meaning for Rin to respond in kind. There’s a smile against Sousuke’s lips and Sousuke’s never felt so warm and safe before.

.

 

.

After making sure they look presentable, Rin leads Sousuke out into the hall and back down the stairs into the kitchen where Gou and her mother are already waiting for them. Gou doesn’t bring up anything about before or act like she witnessed anything, instead telling Sousuke and Rin to take their seats so she can pass the bowls around.

Rin’s mother approaches them, reverting between scolding Rin for not calling home enough and asking at least 50 questions in one breath, like if Rin was eating healthy, getting enough sleep and if he was taking proper care of himself.

“Mom, I’m fine,” Rin says, exasperated. “Really. There’s no need to worry.”

She tuts, like she’s doubtful, but then turns to greet Sousuke instead. Sousuke doesn’t realize this was the reason why he’d been so nervous earlier. Rin and Gou’s mother had been something like a maternal figure to him when he and Rin were still in middle school. She always made Sousuke’s favorite dish whenever he’d come over and had even insisted Sousuke join them for several special occasions before Rin left for Australia. Sousuke feels a little guilty for not putting as much effort into keeping in contact with both her and Gou.

“Sousuke-kun, it’s been awhile,” she says, her smile growing wider, looking just as fond. “My, you’ve gotten much taller than when I’ve last seen you.”

“Hello, Kaori-san,” Sousuke says politely.

“Now, now, I specifically told you to call me Auntie whenever you’re here, Sousuke-kun,” she admonishes and Sousuke ducks his head, feeling like he’s 12-years-old again and he and Rin had gotten into trouble.

“Sorry, Obasan,” he says and the way Kaori’s eyes crinkle at the side reminds Sousuke too much of Rin that he can barely look at her properly. In a much softer tone, she says, “I heard from your mother… about your shoulder.” Sousuke nods. She doesn’t get angry at him or give him apologies, both of which he’s rather thankful for, and simply asks, “When’s the surgery?”

“This coming Saturday,” he says and she nods.

“Gou and I will be sure to come and visit you,” she says, smiling again. “Now, come, we made extra of your favorite tonight.”

Sousuke feels strangely lighter as he takes his seat beside Rin at the table. Rin had been watching them earlier but had made no move to listen in. However, while the food was being served, Rin had put a hand over his and leaned in to whisper, “Is everything okay?”

Across the table, Kaori and Gou are chatting happily about something or other, making Sousuke smile at the sight.

“Everything is fine,” he says, turning that smile at Rin.

“Are _you_ okay?” Rin insists. Sousuke feels tempted to lean in and kiss him, and the look on Rin’s face suggests he’s thinking something similar, but they aren’t alone. Later, he thinks, feeling giddy at the mere thought.

Instead he just squeezes Rin’s hand and says, “I am.”

Dinner goes by without a hitch. The food is delicious, as always. Sousuke remembers getting lost in the reminiscing and the laughter, and how good it felt when Rin would sometimes touch him during conversation. Just light brushes of their knuckles together, a hand on his knee, shoulders bumping, and that brief moment when Rin had reached out to rub sauce from the corner of his mouth, quick and easy; pulling away not too long after like the exchange had never happened. It was distracting and made Sousuke feel a little drunk on it. Sometimes Sousuke would casually rest his arm on Rin’s chair and try to not to grin too widely when Rin would lean into his side, just a little bit.

Sousuke is also pretty certain Kaori knows. There were a handful of times Sousuke could have sworn he saw her look at him, smiling in that all-knowing way mothers seem to possess. He’s not ready to acknowledge what that even means just yet, but he hopes it means she’s okay with it.

After dinner, Sousuke and Rin have to leave for the next train, but Kaori suggests they stay the night.

“We have class tomorrow, mom,” says Rin, but he’s already making himself comfortable beside Sousuke on the couch. They aren’t being discreet at all, Sousuke thinks amusingly, although he’s not helping matters by putting an arm over the couch so Rin can tuck into his side. Kaori doesn’t seem to bat an eyelash at how much closer they’re sitting together.

“I insist. You have plenty of clothes you can lend Sousuke-kun—“

“None of which will probably fit him—“ Rin mutters under his breath.

“—and there’s an extra toothbrush underneath the sink,” she goes on, as if she's already won her case. “I’ll go ahead and get the futon and put it in your room, Rin.”

She doesn’t even give them time to argue.

“I… guess we’re staying the night then,” says Sousuke, smiling as Rin mutters something about stubborn mothers and leans right back into Sousuke’s chest.

“We’re going to have to get up extra early if we’re going to make it to class tomorrow though,” Rin says, but doesn’t sound too bothered by it. He sighs as Sousuke presses a soft kiss to his temple.

At the same time Gou is walking in, sees the pair of them and scrunches up her nose. “You guys are nauseating,” she says, actually sounding in pain. “Please leave, so I can watch my evening show without getting sick.”

“We were here first, you know,” says Rin tonelessly, but gets to his feet and grabs Sousuke’s hand. “C’mon, let’s go someplace else, where we can cuddle in peace.”

Sousuke can hear Gou laughing from the living room while they trek their way back up the stairs. Holding hands with Rin isn’t any different than it was before, but it somehow feels like it is. For starters, it wasn’t just like the handful of times they walked around holding hands—this was _more_. Well, he supposes it had always been more, but at least now he and Rin both knew it wasn't one-sided. And second, Sousuke never wants to let go. Rin’s hand feels like it’s the right shape and the right length for it to feel perfect with Sousuke’s, but they half-heartedly let each other go as soon as they finally reach Rin’s room and see his mother adjusting the last end of futon for them.

“There, all set,” she says, dusting her clothes. “And the bath is ready if you want to use it.” She walks past them. “Well, alright. Goodnight, boys. Behave,” she adds, giving them a meaningful look as she turns and shuts the door behind her.

If there was any doubt that Kaori knew about them before, there is hardly any now. Rin is hiding his face in his hands. “Are we that obvious or is it just my family?” he says, sounding horrified.

“I think it’s a little of both,” Sousuke says. “We weren’t exactly being subtle at dinner.” Not that Sousuke minded.

“Yeah, well,” says Rin, sounding slightly put off. The edge of his ears are a little pink. “Let’s just wash up and go to sleep. We have an early train to catch tomorrow.”

They take turns using the bathroom with Rin leaving a pile of fresh clothes on the basket for Sousuke to borrow after his bath. The shirt is a bit tight around him, constricting at the sleeves, and the flannel bottoms are just a couple inches above his ankle, but it’s comfortable. Rin’s already waiting for him by the time he’s brushed his teeth and toweled his head dry.

To Sousuke’s surprise, he’s sitting on the futon.

“You can take my bed tonight,” Rin says by way of explaining. “It’s probably better for your shoulder that way.”

Sousuke sits on the edge of the futon. “It’s your bed, Rin. You shouldn’t have to give that up for me. I’ll be fine,” he says, when Rin opens his mouth to argue. “It’s just for one night.”

Rin crosses his arms over his chest. “Fine,” he says, stomping his way back to his bed before abruptly turning back around as if he’d forgotten something. He kisses Sousuke square on the mouth, with deliberation and ease, like this is just another thing they’ve been doing for ages. Sousuke slips his hand to the back of Rin’s neck to keep him there; Rin sighs against his mouth in pleasure, eyes fluttering shut as Sousuke deepens the kiss just a little bit. He’d like to keep going, to keep kissing Rin until his mouth turns to rubber again, but they have an early day tomorrow, not to mention he kind of feels weird making out with Rin like this when Rin’s mother is just several doors down, highly aware of what they're doing.

So it’s with great reluctance Sousuke pulls away. Rin looks like that is the last thing he wants to do, but he seems to understand. When they get back to their dorm, they can freely kiss each other as many times and for as long as they want without the lingering unease of being caught or interrupted. 

“Goodnight,” Rin whispers, slowly and reluctantly retreating to his bed.

“Goodnight,” says Sousuke.     

.

 

.

They don’t make it past one o’clock. Sousuke’s sleep is scattered. He sleeps in increments, feeling less like he’s dreaming and more like he’s awake with his eyes shut. Rin seems to be having similar trouble because he is moving around in his bed more than normal. As soon as the clock hits 12:45, Rin is throwing the out covers in frustration and coming over to where Sousuke is trying to sleep.

“I can’t sleep,” he grumbles and Sousuke would laugh if he wasn’t so tired himself. He opens the blankets and lets Rin crawl underneath them, situating himself into the crook of Sousuke’s arm, his back pressed against his chest. Sousuke curls his body around Rin, slipping his arm around Rin’s hip and feeling himself relax now that Rin is where he should be.

“So much for one night,” Sousuke jokes.

“Oh, shut up,” Rin says, intertwining their fingers together. “Like you could sleep either.”

Sousuke chuckles and just buries his nose in Rin’s hair, inhaling the fresh scent of Rin’s shampoo before drifting off.

He has nice dreams after that.

 

000

 

Dating is a brand new experience. Not because Sousuke hasn’t dated before. He has. A couple of short flings that had never really lasted because he’d been too focused on swimming than having a relationship to make it work. And then when he got his injury, the future just felt too long and too bleak for Sousuke to even _think_ about being with anyone else.

And then he met Rin again and it was different. More so because Sousuke was an active participant this time, and dating Rin felt entirely _new_. Nothing about them has actually changed since they started dating, except now when Rin takes Sousuke’s hand, it is usually followed closely by a kiss. Several kisses, in fact. There had been a lot of lip exchange since the first time at Rin’s house.

Sousuke’s gotten pretty good at kissing Rin. He knows how Rin likes his kisses _deep_ , with enough zeal that it’s somewhat rough and messy, a little hint of desperation that makes Rin shudder and moan. He also knows Rin likes it when Sousuke puts his hands on his hips, when Sousuke lifts him just a little bit off his feet, and when Sousuke kisses him so fiercely that Rin’s literally breathless after.

Sousuke likes it when Rin cups his cheek to pull him closer, likes it when Rin’s fingers comb through his hair; he likes it when Rin digs just a little bit when Sousuke’s kisses are nearing the hundreds and it still doesn’t feel enough.  He likes it when Rin bites at his lip, teasing at first, and then soothes it with his tongue, all languid and affectionate. He likes the way Rin kisses his injured shoulder with tenderness and care, making Sousuke feel like it's less of a hindrance anymore. He likes the way Rin sighs his name after every time, all far away and _wrecked_. He likes it when they’re tangled together in their bed, tired from the day’s events, and exchanging slow, lazy kisses that are more pecks than anything else, their foreheads touching and their hands intertwined between them.

They haven’t told anyone else about them yet and Sousuke’s not in a rush to tell anyone either. As far as he’s concerned, this is between him and Rin, and honestly, he kind of likes how private and intimate it feels with just the two of them; like they’re in their own little world. 

They’re in practice when Sousuke realizes they can’t possibly stay in this bubble forever. Rin’s coaching the first and second years again when the principal comes in to congratulate Rin on receiving yet another handful of scouts looking to seek an interview with him.

It reminds Sousuke of his own future and how he still hasn’t decided what he’s planning to do yet.

There are university applications on his desk that he hasn’t touched in weeks, but he knows he’ll have to decide eventually. He watches Rin across the pool, watches Rin stand up straight, respectfully listening and giving thanks when he is praised. It’s no doubt where Rin’s future is headed.

Sousuke can only wonder, with a mixture of apprehension and doubt, if that future still included him.

 

000

 

He bumps into Nanase eventually. At a vending machine of all places. Call it fate or the natural order of things, but Sousuke knows irony when he sees it.

He just finished his last therapy session of the week before his surgery the next day. The doctors had gone through the procedure with him countless times that Sousuke could probably recite it verbatim if given the chance. It was a simple surgery with very little setbacks. The only challenge is what comes after. There’ll be some discomfort, obviously, at least until the initial effects of post-surgery wear off, and then comes therapy. Sousuke will have to come in almost every single day for the next several months (maybe even to a year or more) before his shoulder can go back to the shadow of its former self.

Rin had been unable to come with him this time. A scout had asked to interview him and, unable to decline, Rin promised Sousuke he’ll come meet him once he’s done. Sousuke didn’t realize just how much he’d come to rely on Rin’s steady presence to take the strain of his medical visit away until he’s sitting in one alone. Bumping into Nanase Haruka was the last thing Sousuke needed after a particularly long session.

Nanase only looks mildly surprised before his expression reverts back to its usual detachment.

“Excuse me,” he says and Sousuke moves out of the way so he can use the machine.

There’s a brief pause as neither of them say anything. Sousuke isn’t sure there’s much to say to be honest. The last time they’d spoken it hadn’t been friendly. Even now, Sousuke feels a slight disinclination towards him. After all, Nanase has it all. Talent, a potential future, he can even swim with Rin one day if he wanted, Sousuke thinks with a hint of resentment, but Nanase’s dreams aren’t his own. 

He can’t say he agrees with them, and he doubt he ever will, but after the relay, after everything, Sousuke is ready to put it all behind him.

“Have you made up your mind yet?” he finds himself saying.

Nanase doesn’t answer for a moment, choosing to take a sip of his drink. As the seconds tick Sousuke is fairly certain he’s not going to receive an answer, and then, “Yes.”

Sousuke doesn’t need to ask him what it is. That’s his own business. He just nods and all is quiet again.  

And then Nanase is speaking again. “Have you?”

He thinks back to swimming and his shoulder. He thinks about Rin and how glorious it feels to wake up and have him next to him, all warm and sleepy and so completely Sousuke’s. He thinks about the applications on his desk, what they could mean, and feels a little lost. To his own surprise, Sousuke gives him the truth. “I’m not sure anymore.”  

Nanase makes a non-committal hum, but doesn’t pry. They sit in more silence that feels less stifling than it did before. Tachibana Makoto shows up not too long after; one of his hands is wrapped in medical tape, and Sousuke briefly wonders what happened there.  

“Ah, sorry to keep you waiting, Haru,” says Tachibana. “Oh!” he blinks when he notices Sousuke is there too. “Hello, Yamazaki-kun,” he greets politely, looking between him and Nanase like he’s not sure what’s going on.

Nanase finishes his drink and tosses it into the bin, already walking past Sousuke. He isn’t expecting Nanase to stop in his tracks and spare him one last glance. “Don’t think too hard on it. Just do what you want,” he says. “The rest will fall into place.”

And then he’s marching off like he hadn’t just given Sousuke actual, solid advice. Tachibana—who bids him a polite farewell as welll—rushes to keep up with him, asking, “What was that all about, Haru?” to which Nanase just replies, “Nothing. What did the doctors say about your hand?”

“Oh, the doctors said the cut isn’t too deep and I can still swim in the relay.”

“Idiot. Be careful next time,” Nanase grumbles, but he doesn’t sound crossed, just relieved.

“I’m not good at cooking, you know that,” Tachibana complains. Their voices trail off after that, with Nanase saying something that makes Tachibana duck his head and pout, but even from this distance, Sousuke can see the exact moment Nanase reaches out to take Tachibana’s hand in his own; he’s so careful about it, like he’s handling something precious, but the motion speaks of a familiarity that Sousuke understands quite well. Tachibana preens and lets Nanase lead him out the door like a happy, overgrown puppy. Sousuke only hopes he and Rin aren’t that sickening in public.

He doesn’t wait that long for Rin to arrive, who’s panting heavily and working up a light sweat. It’s obvious he ran all the way from the station and Sousuke would be charmed by the whole thing if he hadn’t just encountered Nanase and Tachibana together. He remembers the word _sickening_ and resists the urge to meet Rin halfway and kiss him.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” he says. “That interview went longer than I expected. How did your meeting go?”

Rin takes his hand while Sousuke fills him in, and they make the walk back towards the station together.  

.

 

.

Back at the dorms, Sousuke leafs through his university applications again. There’s that feeling of dread that is all too familiar to him by now, along with a trace of urgency that only comes hand in hand with the anxiety. Rin is doing his homework on the bed, tapping his chin with his pencil while attempting to tackle a particularly tricky math problem. He's completely absorbed in his work to notice Sousuke's dilemma. 

_Just do what you want._

The problem is Sousuke doesn’t know what he wants. Not quite yet.

He tucks the applications back into the folder. He still has time to figure it out.

 

000

 

The day of the surgery comes with thunder and the promise of heavy rain. If there was ever a more perfect metaphor for this moment, this would be it. Rin accompanies him to the hospital, carrying Sousuke a bag of things he’ll need for an overnight visit (he’d stayed up an extra hour after curfew to make sure Sousuke had everything he needed). Sousuke’s parents are there as well, once again asking the doctors to go over the procedure one final time.

Rin helps Sousuke into the hospital gown they give him, brushing the material on his shoulders several times.

“I’ll be fine,” says Sousuke, gently catching Rin’s hand when he’s about to make another attempt at adjusting the gown again.

“Of course you’ll be fine,” says Rin fiercely, like he won’t be able to accept anything else. “I’ve read all about the procedure and did extra research.”

Sousuke smiles, endeared. “Of course you did.”

“And there should be minimal risks and complications. You’re going to be alright,” he says, very firmly, as if trying to reassure himself of that fact as much as he is reassuring Sousuke. “And I’ll be right here when it’s all over.”

It’s a three hour surgery, but Sousuke has no doubt Rin would be there waiting the whole time. Something in his chest expands and explodes.

“Hey, Rin?” he says. Rin meets his eyes expectantly. “Kiss me.”

It comes out more of a question than a request, but Rin is there, cupping his face and pulling him down for a soft kiss, adding a bit of his own poorly concealed desperation into the mix. Sousuke simply clings back—comforting as well as seeking comfort—and deepens the kiss. It doesn’t last very long. The sound of thunder in the distance feels like a marking to the end of their moment.

Sousuke presses his forehead against Rin’s, their noses bumping and their mouths barely an inch apart.

“I love you.”

It comes out unintentionally and Sousuke hears rather than sees Rin’s sudden intake of breath.

He pulls back to get a clear look at him. Rin’s eyes are shining in that tell-tale way of his that meant tears are imminent. Sousuke hadn’t intended to tell him that so soon, and definitely not on the eve of his surgery like he and Rin are in some kind of TV show drama, but he knows it’s how he feels.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he says. “I just wanted you to know.”

“Sousuke…” Rin says, but the doctors and Sousuke’s parents are already coming in and ushering Sousuke onto a gurney. Sousuke’s dad is telling him he’ll be fine while Sousuke permits a kiss on the cheek from his mother. But Rin doesn’t let go of his hand until they reach the doors beyond his access.

“I’ll be here,” he reminds him, giving Sousuke’s hand one last squeeze before the doors are closing.

Sousuke thinks he hears it starting to rain, but by then the hospital, the room, all fade into silence.

.

 

.

Sousuke doesn’t remember too much about what happens after.  Just bits and pieces, like he’s watching these events unfold as an outsider looking in. Sometimes, Sousuke thinks he’s still dreaming.

“The surgery went as planned,” he hears someone say and the next moment he’s swimming. He’s floating on his back in a small pool. When he looks up, he sees the sky—clear and blue, stretching beyond towards the stars. He doesn’t realize he’s sinking—too focused on the twinkling lights above—until the bubbles escape his mouth and everything goes dark again. 

.

 

.

The next time Sousuke comes to, there’s a bit of rustling right next to him and a strange but pleasant fragrance fills his senses. “So he’ll be alright?” says a soft voice, almost motherly.

“Of course, he will be!” says another, quite confident.

“The doctors said he’ll need to stay in the hospital for a couple days to recover, but other than that, he should be fine,” says a familiar voice that tickles Sousuke’s memory. He can’t really make it out clearly through the fog but Sousuke knows he definitely likes that voice above all the others.

And then he’s back at the beach, standing by the shore. The waves touch his feet, cool and inviting, but Sousuke doesn’t step in. Instead he stares out at the water until the sun begins to set, stands up and turns his back on the scene forever. He keeps walking forward until there’s nothing left.

.

 

.

“How long has Yamazaki-senpai been asleep?”

“A couple hours now. The doctors say he’ll come around soon. For now—Momo will you _quit_ playing with that?”

“Sorry, sorry!” There’s a loud clutter, like something being toppled over. The second voice groans in exasperation.

“Momo-kun, you shouldn’t make so much noise. We’re in a hospital,” scolds the first voice.

“Sorry,” says the third, rather sheepishly, and then their voice is much clearer, like they’re speaking directly above Sousuke. “Hey, Yamazaki-senpai, I hope you get better and come with us to Finals! We’re all waiting for you!”

.

 

.

Sousuke dreams of a stadium, of voices calling out his name, cheering.

When he looks beside him, he’s disappointed to find no one is there. He’s positive someone is supposed to be there, standing next to him, basking in the exact same moment as him. But then the whistle blows and Sousuke misses his chance.

.

 

.

“What the heck are you guys doing here?”

“We came to visit Sou-chan!” pipes an exuberant voice, like it’s the most obvious thing.

“I don’t remember telling you when the surgery was.”

“Gou-san told us,” says another voice, perfectly reasonable.  

“We met Yamazaki-kun a few days ago when I was stitching up my hand,” says a fourth voice rather gently. “He didn’t seem like he was doing too well, but Haru gave him some pretty good advice, right Haru?”

“Makoto…” says a fifth voice, sounding sulky.

“ _You_ gave him advice?” says the first voice in disbelief. “Was it actually helpful or was it the kind of advice you usually give to people?”

There’s movement, like someone is standing. “We can leave right now if you want,” the other retorts.

“Now, now, no fighting, you two,” says the fourth voice, imploringly. “We’re in a hospital.”

“Here, we bought Sou-chan a lot of treats for when he wakes up—“

“All healthy, of course,” adds the third voice, trying to show some practicality their companion seemed to forget or choose to omit. “It’s to help him with the recovery—“ He sounds rather pleased with himself.

There’s a sniffle. “Thanks, guys… that mean a lot.”

.

 

.

Sousuke’s in a tank. It’s tiny and constrictive for someone of his size. He’s also underwater and he’s able to breathe; he’s unafraid.

He peers out the glass and into the void, only to find himself peering back in. He looks tired, but healthy, there is even a familiar light in his eyes again. He receives a smile, a little careworn but genuine. When Sousuke presses his nose to the glass, the tank shatters and the water comes spilling out.

On wobbly legs Sousuke climbs out and gulps fresh air, like he’s finally breathing it for the first time. He turns his face towards the sun, loves how warm and wonderful it feels on his skin, and lets himself smile, as if that was a first time for him too.

It’s only when he’s looking at the shards of glass at his feet that Sousuke realizes he’d been staring into a mirror this whole time.

.

 

.

When Sousuke finally wakes up, he’s lying on a hospital bed, pillows propped comfortably at his back and the blankets pulled up his chest. There’s a vase of flowers right next to his bed, along with several bags of what Sousuke assumes to be nutrient fluids. Light filters through the blinds, casting afternoon shadows along the walls of his room. And right beside him, still holding his hand, is Rin.

He’s not sure how long he’s been there, but clearly long enough for Rin to fall asleep too; his head pillowed at the crook of his arm next to where Sousuke’s knees are resting. He feels sluggish and achy, worse than he felt before the surgery, but he draws enough strength to bring his hand over to touch the side of Rin’s face, rubbing absently at his cheekbone until Rin’s eyes are fluttering open.

“Hm… Sousuke?” He sits up, more alert. “Hey,” he says, speaking softly. “How are you feeling? Are you okay?” He hands Sousuke a paper cup filled with water and helps pour it into Sousuke’s parched mouth. “The doctors said you’ll probably be feeling some discomfort when you wake up.”

“I’m alright,” he says, his voice rough. Rin settles on his chair again. “Did you stay here the whole time?” He hopes not.

Rin gives him a smile, takes hold of his hand and presses a soft kiss to his palm. “Where else would I be?” he says. 

Sousuke knows he shouldn’t move too much—his body is practically protesting—but he tugs Rin along anyway and makes room for him on the bed.

“I probably shouldn’t,” says Rin, hesitantly, even though he’s already kicking off his shoes and climbing into the space beside him. “You just woke up.”

“I sleep better when you’re here,” Sousuke says, determined. It’s a tight fit but they somehow make themselves comfortable, with Rin’s head cushioned on the pillow just above Sousuke’s shoulder, where it’s wrapped heavily in bandages. He’s very careful not to put any pressure on it.

“See, I told you you’d be okay,” Rin whispers, pressing a light kiss on it and then another.  

The corner of Sousuke’s mouth lifts. “I never doubted you for a second.”

Rin leans over to kiss him on the mouth, gentle and chaste and completely unhurried.

“Hey, Sousuke,” he begins when they pull apart, Rin’s thumb caressing his cheek in a tender, circular motion. Sousuke opens his eyes and sees Rin is looking back at him rather intently. “I love you too.”

For a brief second Sousuke thinks he’s dreaming again or that the painkillers have finally kicked in and he’s imagining things. But Rin’s eyes are bright, shining with the kind of open joy and adrenaline that he’s only ever shown while he’s swimming.

And then Sousuke is kissing him again, probably with more assertion than he should be capable of at the moment, but he doesn’t care. Rin’s fingers are touching his ear, raking at the edges of his hairline in that same fashion he always does to draw Sousuke in, his mouth pliant and sweet.

“Again,” Sousuke says, breathlessly, and feels absolutely ecstatic when Rin complies. “Again.”

Rin laughs, a little exasperated, but looking just as giddy and happy as Sousuke feels.

“I love you,” he says while grinning.

Sousuke just kisses him.

 

000

 

Sousuke is able to leave the hospital after another day of rest and recovery. The doctors have examined his shoulder and deemed him fit to return home. However, they remind him he’ll need to return for rehabilitation in a couple weeks’ time. Sousuke is just glad to be getting out of there.

Sousuke’s parents insist he stay home with them until he recovers even though he insists he’s feeling stronger now. He’s been excused from a week of class, so Sousuke knows staying at the dormitory would be pointless, although that’s not _why_ he wants to stay to begin with (except he can’t exactly tell his parents that).

“I’ll come over and see you after practice when I can,” says Rin after Sousuke made some absurd excuse to his parents about picking something up in his room and they’re alone again.

“You should worry more about Finals,” says Sousuke. “They’re just a couple days away. You need to focus on that.” Rin bites at his lip, but Sousuke knows he agrees with him. “I can manage for a week.”

“It looks like I’ll be sleeping alone for a little while though,” Rin half-jokes, but he’s looking at the bed like he’s not sure how he’ll fair off tonight.

“You can always call me,” says Sousuke. “Besides, you’re forgetting I’ll be sleeping alone for a little while too.”

Rin laughs. “Okay. I’ll call you tonight?” he asks, already tilting his face up for a kiss that Sousuke is about to give. 

“Sure thing.”

Of course, right at that moment, Momotarou comes crashing into their room.

“I heard Rin-senpai and Yamazaki-senpai just now and—whoa,” he says, coming to a complete halt.

Nitori shows up several seconds too late, panting and looking panicked. “Momo-kun, you can’t just enter into people’s room’s like that—“ And well, he’s staring openly now too, turning a bright shade of red that could rival Rin’s hair. Rin and Sousuke realize how they must look and spring apart, but that only succeeds in making it worse.

“Sorry for barging in!” Nitori squeaks, bowing a couple times. He jabs Momotarou, who’s still unabashedly staring, with his elbow.

“Oh! Right. Uhhh… sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt your… If I had known you two were—well I would have knocked—uhh not that I shouldn’t have knocked before, but you know—“ he babbles and Nitori’s looking even more mortified.

“C’mon, let’s go,” he says, already yanking at the scruffs of Momo’s shirt and dragging him out the door.

“It’s good to see you again, Yamazaki-senpai! I’m glad you’re all better—ackk! Nitori-senpai that hurts—“ says Momo in a rush. The door shuts swiftly behind them.

There’s a slight pause as Sousuke turns to look at Rin, who has his hand over his face and is shaking his head. When he glances up at Sousuke, he can’t help but burst out laughing. Rin follows after, laughing so hard he’s leaning against Sousuke’s side and clutching at his stomach.

He thinks he hears Momo ask Nitori from the next room over, “Are they… actually laughing or are they plotting to kill us?”

.

 

.

Later that night, Sousuke is lying in bed and staring at the ceiling when he receives a call.

“Hey,” says a familiar, teasing voice. “Did you miss me?”                       

Sousuke can’t stop the smile from spreading across his face as he tucks the phone against his ear.

“Always.”

.

 

.

It’s the day before Finals when Rin shows up, unexpectedly, at Sousuke’s house, looking like he’s about to burst at any moment.   

“I had to come see you,” he says, rushing into Sousuke’s arms once he opened the door.

“What’s wrong?” he asks automatically, leading Rin to the living room. His parents aren’t home yet, and Sousuke’s just been catching up on homework, trying not to be too far behind for when he has to come back. He quickly gets Rin a glass of water before taking a seat beside him. “Have a drink first.”

Rin takes huge gulps of water until he’s emptied the cup, placing it down on the table by the couch and folding his hands together to keep them from flailing about.

“Now tell me what happened,” he says gently.

“I… got scouted,” says Rin, and Sousuke nods. This isn’t out of the ordinary. “By Mitsubashi Academy.”

Now that has Sousuke pausing. Mitsubashi is one of the top schools for sports and athleticism in the country. Their swim team had even won Nationals a few years in a row. Rin should be pleased that he’s going, that such a prestigious school has taken notice of him, but somehow he wasn’t. “Isn’t that good though? You’ll be one step closer to the Olympics.”

“I know, but… while I was there, they kept telling me I had a lot of potential, that there’d be a spot waiting for me if I did well in the Finals and—I don’t know, I just panicked,” he says, his voice wavering. “Finals is tomorrow and I actually feel kind of scared, for once, like what if I mess up somehow.” He laughs, almost in deprecation. “I guess now I get how Haru felt.”

Sousuke reaches over and takes his hand. “Forget about that then,” he says, fiercely. “When you’re out there, just pretend it’s like any other match you’ve been to. Don’t think about the people watching or the people you think you might disappoint. It’s just you out there. Just swim your best.” He smiles a little wryly. “And the rest will just fall into place,” he adds, thinking back to the words he’d been given.

Rin leans into him, head tucked underneath his chin. Sousuke gives his shoulder a one-arm squeeze.

“Please say you’ll be there,” he mumbles quietly. 

“I’ll be there,” Sousuke promises.

“Then that’s all I need.”   

.

 

.

Rin stays for a little while longer, lounging on the couch with his body tucked against Sousuke’s side and his head pillowed on his chest. They don’t say a lot after that, choosing to enjoy each other’s company in silence, but Sousuke can feel that Rin’s calmed down considerably since his outburst.

“Thank you,” he says, playing with the lapels of Sousuke’s shirt. “I’m sorry for just showing up unannounced and bothering you with this. You have enough to worry about.”

“You could never be a bother to me,” says Sousuke firmly. “I’m glad you came. I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” says Rin, lifting himself to hover over him so he can graze the side of Sousuke’s shoulder with his fingers. “How’s your shoulder?”

“Still sore, but getting better,” Sousuke admits, tugging Rin back down until he’s a little more than half on top of him. It feels nice having Rin’s body heat all over him again. Phone calls and text messages were all and well, but they couldn’t amount to the physical contact he’s been craving for the past two days.

Rin gives him a secretive smile, like he just read Sousuke’s mind. “I love you,” he says, bending down to kiss him, undemanding at first and then with a little more force.  

Sousuke doesn’t think he’ll ever tire from hearing Rin say that. He smiles, soft and easy, tangles his fingers into Rin’s hair and whispers, “I love you too.” 

.

 

.

Another hour goes by until Rin has to leave again. He still needs to pack for tomorrow. As usual, the entire Sumezuka swim team will be staying at a hotel next to the stadium and Rin has to be there, bright and early for the buses. Rin thanks him again for calming him down, reminds Sousuke of the time and the location and kisses him one last time before he’s off again.

In his room, Sousuke untucks the university applications he had stashed away in his drawer.

_Just do what you want. The rest will fall into place._

Nanase had made it sound so simple. And maybe it was. There was only one thing Sousuke wanted more than swimming.

He takes a seat at his desk, pulls out a pen and starts writing.

 

000

 

Finals comes in the form of a wide, open stadium, loud cheering voices and at least fifty different schools from all around the country. Sousuke remembers this scene well, remembers the pressure of being watched by over a hundred people—some of who were counting on you to succeed—and how suffocating and exhilarating it felt when you finally got to the end of the lane and realize you’ve won.

He remembers holding up his own trophy once, euphoric and proud, feeling invincible—like he was standing on top of the world. Sousuke never imagined the second time he would be here, it would be as a spectator. The memory is still fresh in his mind, the dream still barely a healed wound like his shoulder. As if sensing his thoughts, his shoulder twinges just a little bit, like a nagging reminder at the back of his head.

But as Sousuke watches Rin take his place at the podium, catches his eyes briefly from the midst of roaring Samezuka boys… Sousuke knows he’s going to be just fine.

For now, he watches Rin take off at the whistle, swimming faster than Sousuke’s ever seen him before. When Sousuke screams Rin's name, he feels so incredibly alive.

.

 

.

Unfortunately, Rin doesn’t win the race, but comes at a very close second. His timing just a few seconds off from the person who had manage to beat him to the finish line. Rin’s not too upset by it, however, judging from the wide smile on his face that tells Sousuke he has nothing to worry about. Rin’s being congratulated by his teammates, the coaches and even a few scouts who’d been keeping track of his races since the beginning.

But Rin spots him instantly over the crowd of people surrounding him, and his smile, if possible, grows even wider until it’s near blinding; he makes his excuses and meets Sousuke halfway.

“Congrats,” says Sousuke by way of greeting, nodding at the trophy in Rin’s hand and grinning proudly.

“Next time, I’ll get first place,” Rin says confidently.

Sousuke touches his wrist, wanting to take hold of Rin’s hand so badly, but not wanting to draw any attention to them. “You were amazing out there.”

Rin meets his eyes and says, very seriously, “It was all because of you.”

Sousuke feels heat rise at the back of his neck and self-consciously he rubs at it. “I didn’t do anything,” he says. It was Rin’s hard work, strength and perseverance that got him to where he is today. It was a victory he earned all on his own.

“That’s not true,” says Rin vehemently, startling Sousuke from his thoughts. This time Rin snatches Sousuke’s hand and holds it firmly. “I couldn’t have swam the way I did if it wasn’t for you. I would have still been a mess from yesterday if I didn’t know you were up there, cheering me on.” In a much quieter voice, he says, “I know what this means to you, Sousuke… to be here and just watch. But this wasn’t just for me or for the team, it was for you too.”

Sousuke stares at Rin in awe, not really knowing what to say. But then, he’s never been very good with words. He lets his actions speak for themselves.

Screw what everybody else says, Sousuke thinks and pulls Rin in for a fierce kiss, not even caring that his clothes are about to get soaked. Rin gasps into his mouth, bunches the front of Sousuke’s shirt and tugs him even closer, clearly not concerned that all the underclassmen, save for Momo and Nitori, are openly gapping at them now.

“Uhhh… did anybody else not see that coming or is it just me?” Sousuke hears someone say—Uozumi probably—but Sousuke has Rin’s open laughter against his mouth, his eyes crinkling at the sides in joy, and his arms securely wrapped around him like Rin doesn’t ever plan on letting go.

And that feels hell of a lot better than first place.

 

000

 

The next few weeks are busy.

After Finals, comes the inevitable pile of last term assignments and exams, and between rehabilitation and studying, there hasn’t been a lot of time for Sousuke and Rin to do anything else. The only thing Sousuke looks forward to at the end of the day is when he and Rin finally get to lay in bed together. They’re usually too exhausted to talk or do any more than give a few lighthearted kisses, but it’s those quiet, intimate moments between them that Sousuke appreciates the most.

Rin gets calls from a few more universities, asking for interviews and offering him scholarships. Mitsubashi had been thoroughly impressed by Rin’s time and had offered him a full scholarship and a spot on their team, believing Rin had the drive and the spirit to take their team to the top. Rin still has yet to give them a confirmation and is looking a little unsure for once.

“I think you should go,” says Sousuke during their free period. “It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“I know, but…” Rin says, hesitating, and then is looking at Sousuke, desperately. “I don’t have to go to Mitsubashi, you know. There are still tons of other universities in Tokyo that are offering me a scholarship—some just as _good_ as Mitsubashi—and I could always transfer if I just train hard enough—“

“Rin,” says Sousuke, stopping the predictable babble before it got out of hand. “If this is about me, you have nothing to worry about. I’ll be fine. Pick Mitsubashi. It’s the best and you know it.”

“What if that’s not what I want anymore?” Rin snaps, getting to his feet and pushing past Sousuke to the other side of the room.

There’s a long heavy pause as neither one of them says a thing.

“You can’t mean that,” says Sousuke quietly, watching Rin as takes in deep breathes to calm himself down. Rin’s always been so sure of himself, of his future, of his dream. It’s been that way since they were kids.

Rin slowly turns to face him again, his face devoid of any anger. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don’t want to leave you and move half-way across the country? That maybe … once upon a time, I would have jumped at the chance to go to Mitsubashi, pack my bags and take off, no questions asked? But that’s different now.”

He purposefully walks back to Sousuke, closing the gap between them and taking both his hands.

“I love you and I want to stay with you,” says Rin, pleadingly. “It doesn’t matter where I go. As long as you’re with me, I’ll be fine.”

“Rin,” Sousuke whispers, emotion getting caught in his throat. He cups Rin’s face and leans down so that their foreheads are touching each other’s. They don’t say anything for few minutes. “Hold on a sec,” he says, gently extracting himself to pick up something at this desk. He can feel Rin’s curiosity blooming once Sousuke finds what he's looking for and hands Rin a folder. “Open it.”

Rin opens the first page, eyes widening upon realizing what Sousuke was showing him. “This is—“

“All the universities that scouted you,” says Sousuke, nodding, while Rin continues to flip through the folder. “Including Mitsubashi. I applied to all of them.”

“But… I… why would you—“ Rin chokes, clamping a hand over his mouth. In typical Rin fashion, he’s starting to look teary-eyed again, a sight that brings a smile to Sousuke’s face.

“Because I want to be with you,” he says simply. “I was too young to know it then, but when you left, a part of me went missing. These past five years have been the longest and hardest times of my life, but it’s only gotten better because you’re here with me, because I have you,” he catches the tear that slides down Rin’s cheek with his thumb. “So whether you stay in Iwatobi or go to Mitsubashi or heck, even go back to Australia, I’m coming with you this time. I’m following you wherever you go.”

Rin’s openly crying now, not even bothering to hide it. He presses his face into Sousuke’s chest, soaking his shirt with snot and tears, and just clings on; just lets Sousuke rock them back and forth in the room without letting each other go.  

“Together,” Rin says once he’s dried his eyes and wiped his nose, looking up at Sousuke with the makings of a smile on his face.

Sousuke kisses him then. “Together.”

That’s just how it goes.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks goes out to my dear friend Lauren, who cheered me on during a huge portion of the writing (and crying) process of this story, as well as helped me come up with a name for the school when I was too tired to come up with one myself. So this fic is for you, my dear!
> 
> And for those of you who made it to the end, thank you for reading :)


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